Here’s how I think every EastEnders character would vote in the upcoming general election

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I love EastEnders. I also love politics. Having a bit of time on my hands, I decided to combine the two. Below, I lay out which party I think every current regular character on EastEnders would vote for, why, and how they feel about Brexit.

A few disclaimers:

A few disclaimers:

· Obviously I do not own these characters, the BBC does

· This is entirely of my own creation, and the BBC does not have anything to do with this

· I’m talking about characters, not the actors who portray them nor the writers who created them and give them lines

· This was for fun and is presented with whimsy, not any political agenda

· There are a lot of characters on this show, and some we don’t know as well as others

· The characters are ordered by first appearance

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it!

Kathy Beale — Kathy is a stalwart of Old Labour and, while she isn’t impressed with the party’s handling of antisemitism nor the bumbling antics of Jeremy Corbyn, she sees echoes of Michael Foot in the Labour leader. There’s a certain nostalgia there that compels her to tick her box for Labour. Having spent many years abroad, she sees the benefits of being part of an international community and opposed Brexit, but now just wants everyone to get on with it so the country can finally begin to heal.

Sharon Mitchell — Sharon opposed Brexit because she likes her holidays too much to give up free movement. She thinks Boris Johnson is a clown, and she was genuinely offended by comments calling Muslim women letterboxes. Still, she votes her pocketbook, which means voting for the Tories.

Ian Beale — Ian voted for Brexit with relish; he’d been wanting to stick it to Brussels for years. Secretly appalled at the flow of European immigration into the UK (despite the fact that there don’t seem to be many European migrants living in Walford), he will be glad to end free movement. Having voted for UKIP in 2015 — to make a point — he considered voting for the Brexit party before Boris Johnson became Prime Minister. Now he’s standing as Conservative candidate for local council and will vote Tory come December.

Dot Cotton — Dot’s dear friend, Doctor Legg, passed away earlier this year. She abhors antisemitism and believes Labour has let it overrun their party. Dot was never a natural Labour voter, anyway, having backed the Tories since at least the Thatcher revolution. As someone who believes you should manage your own home, she voted for Brexit and will vote Tory again — though she’ll pray for whomever wins the election, of course.

Martin Fowler — Martin’s got bigger issues than voting right now (like the fact that he’s being blackmailed by a Kray wannabe and he just blew up his marriage). If he votes at all, it will be for Labour, as he feels a strong welfare state and equitable economic policies are best for his struggling family. He voted for Brexit, though, because, well, he couldn’t tell you why. Not because of the racism, though.

Phil Mitchell — A pragmatist above all else, Phil doesn’t like rocking the boat. Any change to the status quo means unpredictability, and unpredictability increases the chances the Old Bill turn up on his door asking about his, erm, “business.” It was easy, then, for Phil to vote against Brexit, a fact he relishes knowing would surprise most of his neighbours. Still, the uncertainty of the past three years has not made running an international criminal enterprise easy, and Phil needs the government to make up its damn mind already. Boris Johnson is promising to make Brexit happen — which means customs checkpoints. Phil doesn’t like customs checkpoints. Labour can’t promise anything, though. Jo Swinson is promising to stop Brexit, which is at least a concrete position. For the first time, Phil Mitchell is voting for the Liberal Democrats. He’s as surprised as anyone.

Sonia Fowler — Sonia works for the NHS. As such, she knows two things 1) it desperately needs more funding and 2) immigrants are the only thing keeping the thing running. She didn’t only vote against Brexit, she doorstepped for the Remain campaign. She loves what Labour has proposed for the EU but worries they will curtail immigration to appease those traditional Labour voters who are now Brexiteers. She’ll waffle between the Lib Dems and Labour until the day of the election, but when she ticks that box, old loyalties will win and she’ll don a red rosette that night.

Ben Mitchell — Bitter, jaded, and thick as pigshit, Ben Mitchell has never voted and isn’t likely to start now. They’re all the same, anyway, aren’t they?

Mel Owen — A cosmopolitan business owner with ties to the continent, Mel Owen is a natural Remainer and Lib Dem voter. She left the UK in 2002, meaning she was only a year shy of losing her right to vote in the 2016 referendum. Still, she got in under the wire and voted Remain. She’ll cast her vote for the Liberal Democrats in December. You know, assuming Sharon hasn’t killed her by then.

Billy Mitchell — Billy voted Brexit and will vote the Brexit Party because he thinks Nigel Farage is the type of bloke you’d have a pint with down the pub. In ten years, he’ll be shocked when Will throws this back in his face in a row over how badly Billy screwed up his life.

Lisa Fowler — Unable to vote in 2016 (she was unwell), Lisa is looking forward to making her voice heard this go-round. In between trying to look after her pregnant daughter and unhinged best mate, she studies the key positions and proposals. Having lived for years in Portugal and now considering a move back there with lovely Louise and mental Mel, she votes for the Liberal Democrats, hoping they’ll put a stop to this Brexit nonsense once and for all.

Kat Slater — Kat ran a bar in Spain but never could figure out why no one spoke English. Loving a bit of mischief and chaos, she voted for Brexit in 2016, then promptly went off to Ireland to find her long lost son who turned out to be a murderous priest. (Or don’t we talk about that anymore?) Wanting to put as much space between her and said son from hell, she quite likes the idea of a border between the republic and the north of Ireland. Hell, build a wall down the Irish Sea, she says. Kat votes for the Tories.

Mo Harris — Mo doesn’t much see the point of voting, but Jean twists her arm. She finally gives in, but doesn’t take it too seriously. Mo didn’t vote in the 2016 referendum, but this time around, she votes for Jeremy Corbyn because there’s something sexy about him.

Bex Fowler — Poor Bex has had a rough time lately. Part of her anxiety over Oxford was the insanely high cost of tuition. As such, Labour’s promise to abolish tuition fees appeals to her. Too young to vote in the 2016 referendum, she nonetheless feels strongly that she wants the country to remain in the European Union. She’ll go with her mum to the polls and vote for Labour, and they’ll watch the election results come in on Dot’s sofa.

Patrick Trueman — An immigrant himself, Patrick is appalled at the enflamed rhetoric and xenophobia he sees in the Brexit debate. Having voted to remain in 2016, he has been appalled at the gridlock and division in the country over the past three years — much of which he blames on Boris Johnson, who he voted against for London mayor, having never forgotten the Conservative leader once called Black people a slur. Patrick votes for Labour, but he doesn’t tell anyone lest he upsets them, because he’s all about the love, man.

Louise Mitchell — Louise really doesn’t care about politics, but having heard Sharon and Phil row over it, she knows a bit more than she’d care to mention. She just makes the cut off to vote in this election (happy birthday, Louise!) As an expectant mum, she takes more of an interest than she otherwise would. After weighing her options, Louise votes for the Conservatives, as she thinks their economic policy will benefit her family, and their tough-on-crime agenda appeals to her — especially as she lost her friend Shakil to knife crime last year.

Bobby Beale — Too young to vote. Doesn’t care. Really has more pressing issues. He tells his therapist that his dead sister, Lucy, wants him to back the Tories, though.

Stacey Slater — Stacey can’t vote because she’s currently exiled from Walford and doesn’t want anyone to know where she is. If she could vote, though, she’d vote for Labour, believing in a strong NHS and stronger communities — after all, Stacey knows better than most that it takes a village (or in her case, a Square). She voted to remain in 2016 but honestly, she’s almost as sick of hearing about Brexit as she is of sausage surprise.

Jean Slater — Having realised what a treasure the NHS truly is, despite the wait times she experienced, its funding and preservation is her number one priority. Jean equally cares about inclusion, wanting everyone to feel special and part of the community. This naturally led her to vote against Brexit in 2016. With a renewed zest for life since her cancer diagnosis earlier this year, Jean dives headfirst into this election, knocking on doors for Labour and campaigning for anyone but Ian Beale in the local council election.

Ruby Allen — Having voted for Brexit in 2016, Ruby admits now that she made a mistake and blames Boris Johnson for misleading her. As a businesswoman and feminist icon, Ruby’s top concerns are the economy and women’s issues. She is appalled at the way the Tories treated Theresa May, even if she agrees the erstwhile prime minister wasn’t up to the job. While an admirer of Walthamstow MP Stella Creasy, she finds Jeremy Corbyn too radical to vote for Labour. The idea of a young, female prime minister appeals to her — and she trusts the Liberal Democrats to run a sound economy. Ruby’s namesake might be red, but her rosette is yellow.

Honey Mitchell — Honey has never missed an election and is hoping to see David Dimbleby present the BBC broadcast of the results, missing him on Question Time. Preferring stability to uncertainty, Honey voted to remain in 2016. An optimist, she’s sure whoever gets in will try their best, but is turned off by the infighting in both Labour and the Tories, despite having voted for both parties in the past. Still, she was impressed that Boris Johnson was able to get a deal when people said he wouldn’t, so votes Conservative to give him a proper go of things. Plus, she reckons he made this mess, so he ought to be the one to clean it up.

Denise Fox — Not suffering fools gladly, Denise doesn’t have time for the Tories or Labour at this point. She voted remain in 2016 and was livid at the time that Jeremy Corbyn didn’t do more to campaign to stay in the European Union. Still, she feels a decision was made and the will of the people must be respected, which puts her off the Liberal Democrats. Denise is underwhelmed with all her choices, but the thought of Ian Beale as her local councillor is a bridge too far, so she votes Labour just to spite him.

Max Branning — Having just been released from prison in 2016 (having been falsely imprisoned for murdering Lucy Beale), Max was too busy rebuilding his life to vote in the referendum. His time inside has made criminal justice reform a top priority for him, and he feels the Tories’ crime policies are too focused on punishment and not rehabilitation. Max doesn’t trust Labour with the economy, though, and feels like voting for the Lib Dems is a waste since they’re unlikely to form a government anyway. Weighing all his options, he decides none of them are good and spoils his ballot by writing in the name of his dead son, Bradley.

Shirley Carter — She doesn’t vote and she dares you to say a word to her about it. That means you too, Jean.

Jay Brown — With the recent death of Terry, the thug who killed his father, Jay’s remembering just how much crime has cost him. He also manages a funeral home and was the funeral director for poor Shakil Kazemi, so knife crime weighs on his mind, as do policies related to small business. Still, Jay believes in fairness and feels that working people like him have been shafted by a decade of austerity. Having voted to remain in 2016, he now sees Brexit as a distraction from more pressing issues. If Labour can get Brexit done and improve the plight of working people so they don’t have to turn to crime, he’s all for it. Jay votes for Labour.

Rainie Cross — Rainie didn’t vote in 2016, as she was too strung out on drugs to even realise there was a referendum. She got her act together, but unfortunately she’s currently incarcerated again. If she’s even out of prison before the election, she will likely be too preoccupied with getting her life back on track to vote.

Jack Branning — Once a copper, always a copper. Jack is tough on crime, but he’s not at all impressed with the Tories’ plan to put 20,000 new cops on the streets since they cut 21,000 over the past nine years. He blames the rise in knife crime on Sadiq Khan, though, and worries what a Labour government might mean for his real estate empire. He voted remain in 2016, but Brexit simply isn’t the most pressing issue to him. While not entirely thrilled with his choices, he is a natural Conservative voter and follows his instincts this December.

Whitney Dean — Whitney loves Walford and she loves London. An open-minded, cosmopolitan young woman, she has no problem with immigration or open borders and voted remain in 2016. A budding entrepreneur, she wants a government that can build a strong economy and a stronger country. An optimist with an eye on her future, she feels Labour is stuck in the past, and votes for the Liberal Democrats in the hope they can defy the odds and win an outright majority.

Tiffany Butcher — Too young to vote, Tiffany doesn’t pay it much mind. She doesn’t like that shouty bloke who is always going on about the EU, though.

Dotty Cotton — Look, Dotty moved from Wales — WALES — to London — LONDON — for the diversity and culture of the big city. Too young to vote in the 2016 referendum, I think it’s safe to say Dotty is voting for Labour. Don’t tell her nan.

Kim Fox — Kim’s living in Scotland now, and having embraced everything about her Scottish heritage, she votes for the SNP. She might not want Brexit, but she’s more than ready for Scottish independence. Whatever that means.

Lola Pearce — Most people wouldn’t think it, but Lola pays close attention to politics. She’s appalled by the racist comments Boris Johnson has made and the general xenophobia whipped up by the referendum results. She reluctantly voted remain in 2016 because she didn’t want to empower the hard right, which is exactly what has happened. Still, she considers herself a feminist and cannot stand the misogyny directed at a lot of female MPs, including by some of the Momentum contingent. An avid Twitter user, she sees the threats and abuse Jess Phillips and Diane Abbott receive from all corners. Thinking of Ian as a nice bloke but a bit of a joke, she lets him think she’s going to vote for him and the Tories. She considers voting for the Liberal Democrats, but their economic policies are too similar to the Conservatives’, so she holds her nose and votes for Labour.

Tina Carter — Tina’s got a lot on her place at the moment, what with trying to make sure Kathy doesn’t sack her at the Prince Albert and keeping the peace between Shirley and Linda. She’s also helping baby lesbian Iqra deal with the ups and downs of her relationship with Ash. Tina forgets there’s an election and fails to vote. Don’t look at her that way, Linda!

Linda Carter — Linda isn’t thrilled with her choices. She wants more money for education and a stronger NHS, what with Ollie’s recent autism diagnosis and his enrolment at a local primary school. She remembers in 2017 they promised a review on the decline of pubs, which she welcomed. But she’s also concerned about the health of her business and any increase in taxes on beer or spirits. Linda is also opposed to eliminating zero-hours contracts, as that’s the only way she can afford to keep poor old Tracey on staff. Linda votes Conservative

Mick Carter — Mick voted for Brexit, but now he thinks the whole thing is mad. After almost losing his business to Weyland & Co two years ago, he is distrustful of major corporations and feels the Tories haven’t been looking out for working geezers like him. Mick isn’t clear on Corbyn’s Brexit policy (who is, Mick?), but sick of nearly a decade of austerity, he votes Labour.

Kush Kazemi — Kush has seen the writing on the walls for years. First the Spring Lane Market closed in 2014. Then, in 2016, the bins weren’t being collected. The rise of online shopping and cheap retailers have hurt his sales, and he worries that if things continue as they have, he will lose his business. Kush is also very concerned with knife crime, having tragically lost his brother Shakil just last year. Kush voted against Brexit in 2016, but that isn’t even one of his top ten priorities. He votes Labour.

Keegan Baker — Keegan was too young to vote in 2016 and wouldn’t have, anyway. This is his first election, but he doesn’t see the point in voting until his brother-in-law, Gray, explains to him it’s the best way to get his voice heard. Being a bright young entrepreneur, Keegan actually studies the parties manifestos. When he finds out Ian Beale is a Conservative, he decides he definitely isn’t, and votes for Labour.

Karen Taylor — They’re all the same, all in it for themselves. Not one of that lot at Westminster cares about people like her, the salt-of-the-earth working women that keep the country running. Karen supports Brexit because she is sick of those Europeans taking way the money that ought to be going to public services right back here in Walford. Despite having been on the dole, she believes people ought to look after themselves. Wanting to send yet another message, Karen votes for the Brexit Party.

Keanu Taylor — Keanu likes Donald Trump, thinking he’s funny, but doesn’t really know much about his policies or politics in general. Still, he really, really doesn’t want to move to Portugal, and if Brexit will make that more difficult, he’s all for it. He votes for the Tories at Louise’s behest. It’s the least he can do for the mother of his child. Well, one of his children. Come to think, this might be the last nice thing Keanu does for Louise before she kills him for knocking up her stepmum. But that’s a different blog.

Bernadette Taylor — Poor Bernie isn’t old enough to vote in this election, which is a shame, because she’s probably the most informed of anyone in Walford. With a kind heart and inclination towards fairness, she doesn’t like Labour’s record on antisemitism, but she doesn’t see the party as so far gone that it doesn’t have merits. She thing Brexit was a daft idea, but she thinks trying to stop it would be unfair to the people who voted to Leave. She’s grown up impoverished and knows what it is to struggle. Bernie would vote Labour.

Callum Highway — Callum’s experiences in the army have made him more dovish than most. He likes Labour’s policies on the armed forces, including creating a representative body for servicemembers and for scrapping the public sector pay cap. Believing in a strong welfare state and a fairer society for all, he worries about how another decade of austerity would affect the most vulnerable in society. He opposed Brexit because he couldn’t abide the rhetoric of the Leave.EU group, and he remembers the cuts to the fire brigade and police Boris Johnson and the Tories instituted. He votes Labour.

Mitch Baker — A proper East End wide boy, Mitch has struggled his entire life. A natural Labour voter, he is ready to see the backside of the Tories. Mitch didn’t vote in the EU referendum because he didn’t see that it had anything to do with him. He still doesn’t much care about Brexit one way or the other, but he absolutely cares about his family and sees Labour as the best choice for them.

Stuart Highway — Having a vigilante past where he exposed nonces for what they are, Stuart is tough on crime (unless he’s the one committing said crime). He voted for Brexit in 2016 because he wanted to send a message to the elites that look down on hardworking, honest people like him. He is concerned that too much of what makes Britain great is being lost. Stuart wants a strong leader, one who doesn’t care about this “political correctness” nonsense and actually says what he means. He votes for the Tories to support Boris Johnson, a man he thinks can make Britain great again.

Adam Bateman — Posh (for Walford, anyway), university educated, philanderer — Adam sees a lot of himself in Boris Johnson, but the man’s comments about Islam rubbed him the wrong way. He opposed Brexit in 2016 but has never been on board with Labour’s economic policies, nor does he much care for Jeremy Corbyn personally. Adam votes for the Liberal Democrats.

Habiba Ahmed — Habiba isn’t interested in politics, finding it a very dull affair, indeed. Despite Iqra’s pestering, she refuses to pay attention, and doesn’t vote on election day.

Iqra Ahmed — With a business degree, fledgling entrepreneur Iqra loathes both the major parties. She voted Remain because she sees the merits of belonging to a massive market like the EU, but also because she utterly deplored the xenophobia stirred up by the Leave Campaign. Iqra voted Labour in 2015, but in 2017 switched to the Liberal Democrats, having been put off by Corbyn’s hard-left politics. She sticks with the Lib Dems this year.

Chantelle Atkins — Chantelle is the daughter of two working class people who has ascended to the middle class. She is thankful for everything she has, but realises that it took a village to get her there. She sees the inequality built into a capitalist system and, though she enjoys the comforts of middle-class living, wishes the wealth was more evenly distributed. Chantelle opposed Brexit in 2016 and still thinks it’s a stupid thing to do, but she also thinks the country just needs to get on with it and fears revoking Article 50 would only deepen the divide. She is also concerned with the closure of women’s domestic violence shelters over the past decade, informed by her own husband, Gray’s, abuse — even though she doesn’t view herself as being abused; it’s not the same as those other poor women, she insists. She votes for Labour.

Gray Atkins — He may be a high-earning solicitor now, but Gray had it hard growing up. Like his wife, Chantelle, he is utterly opposed to Brexit but believes the uncertainty it has caused needs to end. He both pities and loathes his working class in-laws, the Taylors, and takes a sort of paternalistic, noblesse oblige attitude towards them. Gray votes for Labour and feels very pleased with himself about it.

Ash Kaur — A doctor in the NHS, Ash sees how immigrants keep it running and the need for more funding. She opposed Brexit in 2016 and votes for Labour in 2019.

Leo King — We don’t know much about Leo right now, other than he’s the sinister son of evil Tony King. Leo, I reckon, is too busy stalking Whitney on social media and graffitiing her stall to vote.

Jags Panesar — Never saw the use in voting. Doesn’t see why he should start now.

Kheerat Panesar — Much like Phil Mitchell, Kheerat doesn’t like anything that upsets the status quo, as it makes his shady business dealing that much harder to maintain. Unlike Phil, much of Kheerat’s business is domestic as opposed to international, and cuts to policing have been good for him. He votes Conservative.

Vinny Panesar — An affable enough chap, Vinny looks to his older sister Ash for guidance. She talks up Labour, and he votes for them, hoping it will help persuade Ash to visit their dying mum.

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Skylar Baker-Jordan has been writing about UK and US politics and culture for more than a decade. His work has appeared at The Independent, Salon, and elsewhere

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Skylar Baker-Jordan

Skylar Baker-Jordan

Skylar Baker-Jordan has been writing about UK and US politics and culture for more than a decade. His work has appeared at The Independent, Salon, and elsewhere

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